It is hard for me to describe the worst day of my life. Not because it is hard for me to articulate my feelings, or that there are too many to choose from. No, the difficulty stems from my inability to label the worst day of my life as just one day. How can twenty-four hours, at the most, contain everything that brought you to one particular point? Since, more often than not, many factors contribute to creating that one particularly devastating event. As well, one particularly devastating event may show up unexpected; yet leave a trail of unpleasantness in its wake. To complicate matters even more, the “worst day of your life” can also be the best thing for you. Even though it is hard to encapsulate the worse day of your life into one day, “the worst day of your life” is typically the defining moment of that challenging situation.
Competitive sport, and everything that went with it was my definition of being alive. It was my life. It was who I was, and all that I identified with. Thanks to sport my life had meaning, direction, and I had something to look forward to everyday. I was deeply, utterly and passionately in love with what I did, and then one day everything changed.
I am not exactly sure when it happened, but the burning desire to compete and prove myself on the international scene died. I started envisioning myself traveling, doing other amazing things, and going to school. This made me nervous. I thought to myself, “Whoa, there are still two more years until the Vancouver Olympics: no more of these crazy thoughts. FOCUS.” But try as I might to focus on training, competing, and what I had set out to accomplish I was craving something different. My heart was not in it anymore. It was time to go. All I had to do was find the courage to leave. Easier said then done.
My big ‘ah-ha moment’ came September 2008, at the final testing camp before the start of the Bobsleigh season. I was eerily nonchalant about achieving excellent results at our testing camp and okay with it. This freaked me out. Not that I was eerily nonchalant about performing well at the testing camp, but that I was actually OK with it. This was not who I was. Typically, anytime I test my abilities I get extremely motivated to be as close to perfect as humanly possible. So, being rather laid back about the whole experience was kind of shocking. Yet, the atypical, non a-type personality traits were not enough to make me realize my heart just was not in it anymore, and really there was no other choice but to leave.
It was not long after this when I did finally realize it was time to move one. This happened when I stepped out of the “me mentality” and actually observed the world around me. I saw how passionate the new recruits and girls on the development team were. They wanted to be there more than anything, and I could barely piece together the motivation to be there. I was standing in their way. It wasn’t just about me, and my issues. Just because I happened to be more talented at pushing a heap of metal and fiberglass down a chunk of ice, did not give me the right to be there. I was unhappy, frustrated with the politics, and needed to do what was best for the team and myself. So I left, at the protest of the entire team, I left.
I grabbed my cell phone and snuck out of the side door before testing was even finished. This was it. This was the moment. The decision had been made and there was no turning back. I scanned the area for someplace to shelter myself before the dam exploded. My fingers dialed my mom’s number before I even realized what I was doing. I needed to talk to someone, and she was my person. I burst into tears as soon as she answered the phone. I cried so hard my body was heaving and my eyes were blind with tears. I needed to let go of that part of me, a part that had been a huge piece of my life. I dragged myself through this heart wrenching process. Then I just let go, and as quickly as the sorrow came, it left. After that, I took a deep breath and I realized the world had not come to an end. My world did not end. I was still alive, still breathing, and I had a whole world of possibilities in front of me.
Life has been very interesting since that day. I’ve done some traveling, other amazing things, and now I am back at school. There are still days where my heart aches to be back in that world. There are still holes left unfilled, and some days I still don’t feel alive, but those are just some days. Throughout this process I also realized that I am much more than just an athlete. People love me for who I am, not what I do. I have so much more to offer – thank goodness for that! Being an Olympian means I will be branded “athlete” till the end of my days, but that is just one of the many words to describe who I am.
I have this fabulous memory of Paul belting out the words to ‘defying gravity’, which is the big moment song from the musical, while I listened along on his iPod. We were walking home across the Grandville Bridge in Vancouver. We danced and sang across the bridge looking like complete buffoons, BUT we were having way too much fun to care. I absolutely had to go and see Wicked with Paul while I was in London!
Unfortunately Paul couldn’t take the time off of work to come with me. If I was going to see it, I was on my own. I was totally crushed at first. Mostly because I was feeling sorry for myself due to the fact that I was in London and having to enjoy all these fabulous things all on my own. (Oh woe is me, soooooooo hard done by!) I was really looking forward to share this with Paul, too. It didn’t take me too long to get over myself, and I decided not to be a spoiled brat and went on my own. The evening actually turned out to be a lot of fun. I took myself out for a nice dinner, and had a wonderful time at the show. My seat was amazing, and the show itself was even better. It hit all the right notes in my book! (Pun intended)
The show was fabulous, getting home, however was the real adventure. Since I am so independent and self-reliant I decided that I could make it home on my own. Paul was teaching a class on the other side of town, so I thought, “How hard could it be, right?” As you guessed it, WRONG! Amazingly, I managed to navigate the train lines perfectly, getting all the way to Hither Green station with no fuss. Well, maybe a little fuss. I did spend 15 minutes in a panic on the over ground train to Hither Green because I wasn’t exactly sure I was on the right train. It takes about 18 minutes before the first stop and they don’t announce anything until you are almost there. Good news was I had guessed right. “PHEW! Thank goodness.” I was feeling quite proud of my resoursefulness as we pulled into the station. Little did I know that my luck was about to run out. A 15-minute walk from the flat.
Before going our separate ways earlier in the night Paul left me with these directions”
“Okay, so once you get off the train, head for the exit, go down the ramp, turn left and just follow the people up the road. Ask someone how to get to such and such street and then walk down the road to the apartment. There will be loads of people, really, just follow the crowds and ask anyone for help.”
“Maybe I should write this down?”
“Darling it is SO easy. Just follow the people and ask questions if you need to. You have the keys, so you can let yourself in. Right Darling I’m off. I’ll get the togs out for ”
The train pulled into the station at 10:50 pm, and I was very much looking forward to collapsing into my togs. I got up from my seat and took my position with the crowd of people waiting to get off.
“Okay, here I am. I made it! I am ssssoooo smart, YEAH me! Right focus…Paul said follow the people. I can do this. Oh I am so looking forward to getting out of these stupid high-healed boots and snuggling into my togs. Almost there, follow the people, just follow the people. Then I go down the ramp and turn…. Left. It was left, right? Yes, he definitely said left. Man, the station looks kind of scary in the dark. Oh jeeze I hope nobody pick pockets me, or beats me up. That would be bad. That would be very bad. NO! Don’t think about that. Everything will be okay. Ohm namah shivaya. Ohm namah shivaya. Anyways you can run fast, or hit them with your purse. Gosh this thing weighs a TON! WHAT do I have in here? Bad guys be wear of the flying brick purse. Okay……focus……Deep Breath…here we go, follow the people.” ”
The train doors opened and the mass of people flooded out onto the awaiting platform. As Paul instructed I followed the people. We walked down the platform, up the steps, over the bridge, down the steps and continued to the exit.
“Oh yeah, I am good! Look at me go. I am following the people. PFFFTT. London isn’t so bad after all”
I was happily following the crowd of people like a good little sheep, a smile plastered on my face. It all seemed to be going good – too good, almost. Then I got this sinking feeling that something just didn’t feel quite right. I stopped one of the ladies in the throng to ask her if this was the way to the exit – just to be sure. She informed me that this was indeed the way to AN exit, except there were two exits. The main entrance was back the other way.
“TWO EXITS??? Oh bloody hell, he told me nothing about two bloody exits. Which one was it? ”
I decided that logically I should try the main entrance first. So, back down the platform, up the stairs, over the bridge, down the stairs, up the platform, through the ticket office, and down the ramp I went. I turned left as Paul had instructed and walked out into the surrounding streets, which were now deserted. All the people that I was suppose to follow and ask questions had vanished into thin air! They had cracked on with their lives while I was walking towards the wrong exit.
“Okay Jaime girl, no problem, you can do this. Take a deep breath. Think, think, think. Which way did you go that first day that you were here. ”
I had a somewhat foggy picture in my mind of the walk home, since Paul and I had come home from this station on my very first day. However, I was slightly tipsy and majorly jet lagged - NOT so good for the memory recall. As if trying to relocate a lost item, I scanned my brain for any clues to lead me home.
The dark stillness of the surrounding streets was beginning to freak me out! Naturally, at this very unconvient moment logic and reasoning decided to take a vacation leaving room for panic and doubt to creep in!
“Okay maybe London is THAT bad to navigate after all. I have ABSOLUTLY no idea where I am!”
I walked up the little street hoping that I would see something familiar. I looked up to the street sign, which read, “Westminster St”. I figured it was WAY too common of a name to forget. If Paul had told me this street name I would have remembered. BUT, the street did look kind-of, somewhat possibly familiar, so I set off at a brisk pace down the street making a mental note of the twists and turns I was making in order to get back if needed.
“COULD THIS BE IT? Could it be right, oh I think I am right. Oh sweet Jesus, thank-you. Thank-you. Thank-you!”
Things were looking up! I was feeling like I was on cloud number 9, a tog cloud that is! Somehow I had guessed my way back to the flat in the pitch dark. Gosh I was good! ERCH…. I stopped my “yay, me party” just short of a pat on the back. Upon getting closer and closer to the end of the street I knew that this wasn’t right. So close, yet no cigar!
“AAARRRRGGGGG! All these stupid apartment all look the stupid same, because they are basically the same, only slightly different, but essentially the same. Row after stupid row of identical apartments. It’s a wonder there aren’t more people wandering around the streets of London looking for their apartments. Stupid London!” I grumbled to myself in frustration, and continued to grumble to myself, as I walked up and down the street hoping for something to jog my memory. I surly must have looked like a crazy person!
“Okay, calm down. You can figure this out. You are smart, intelligent and resourceful. Paul must have meant right. He said left, but it must been right. Of course! I surly didn’t get it wrong. I am sooooo looking forward to shoving this in his face!! That’s not childish at all!”
I walked back to the station to see if right could possibly be the right answer. However, when I emerged out onto the other side, right didn’t seem right either. NOW WHAT? I trumpsed back through the station, went up the ramp, through the empty ticket office, up the platform, up the stairs, over the bridge, down the stairs, down the platform and out the second exit. The second exit was for sure not the right way. NOW WHAT???? I was in the right place, yet nothing seemed to be right?
I was slowly starting to work myself up into a nervous wreck as I walked back to the other side of the station. I had no phone and no number to call Paul even if I did. The streets were eerily deserted, so I couldn’t even ask anyone for directions. Besides, in my panic, I had already forgotten the names of the streets I was looking for. What was I going to ask? “Um. Could you possible direct me to my friend Paul’s flat? What do you mean you have no idea who he is!?” I was nervous, frustrated and fighting hard to keep the tears at bay.
“Okay, lets try right again. Surly Paul must have told me wrong! (Walk, walk, walk) Hummmm, maybe? Oh god I am just thinking that it is right because I want it to be right, because then getting lost is less my fault because he said left.” I tried left again. I walked up and down Westminster Street hoping that some act of God to save me. With every pass up and down Westminster St, Beacon Street seemed to be calling to me, like it was luring me to go that way. I figured it was too ironic to be the right street. Also, I was also too chicken to get too far away from the station.
I tend to get emotional at the best, and worst of times. It was getting progressively harder to hold back my tears, now that I was beginning to panic at the hopeless situation.
“What am I going to do, what am I going to do? &*$%! You know God you think your pretty funny don’t cha!?. I know I am going to laugh as soon as I figure this all out, but right now I am NOT having fun, and I am certainly NOT in the laughing mood. Why do these things ALWAYS happen?”
“Really, you don’t feel like laughing? Not even a little bit?” God Replied.
“Wellll…. Maybe a little bit! I guess it is pretty funny.” And then I started to laugh and cry at the same time. Deary me!
After a few deep breaths, I had managed to calm myself down enough to function at a somewhat normal capacity.
“There HAS to be a solution, I know there is. Think, think, think. What is the most logical thing to do?” I tried stomping my feet. That certainly was not logical, and didn’t even feel good either! I still didn’t know what to do and now my feet hurt more then they already did!
“OKAY, take a deep breath……. And another…….. And another…okay, maybe one more. RIGHT, so the reality of the situation is I have COMPLETELY forgotten the names of the streets I am suppose to take, Paul can’t help me because I can’t call him, I have absolutely no back up plan, my feet were killing me, I am not even entirely sure I am in the right place, I am exhausted, completely alone and it is really late…… Awesome!”
With all this in mind, I still could not bring myself to even think about giving up and getting back on a train into the city, to find a hotel for the night. Sheesh, I can be frustrating! Some people may call that complete stubbornness (which really it is!) however I like to think of it as tenacity! That stubborn tenacity is born from a complete faith in myself, wrapped up in the belief that everything will work out in the end. Besides look at all the hilarious stories these adventures leave in the wake. At least that is how I cope with it!
“If only I had a map. I am sure I could figure out how to get to Paul’s flat if I had a map. WHY don’t I have a map?” I thought to myself maki,lng a mental note to never travel without one again.
“Wait a minute, what’s that? Oh my goodness, what is THAT? No it can’t be, can it?” I nearly ran virtually shaking with excitement towards what I thought could be the answer to my prayers. “Thank-you, thank-you, THANK-YOU!” I shouted up towards the heavens, for I was right. Posted on the brick wall outside the station was big old map of the area!
I was filled with elation and disbelief! The first time I walked out of the station I had inkling to walk over to them, but decided to disregarded them, since I thought they were maps of the train lines. (And I was gonna give up THAT easily) All I could do was shake my head and smile at my bull-headedness. The answer had been right in front of me the whole time! “OH WELL, I wouldn’t have this great story to tell if I figured it out from the beginning! Okay, now to actually figure this out.”
It took me a few moments to find the station, since there wasn’t one of those handy “You are Here” stickers. What I really needed was a “You need to be Here” sticker, but no such luck. Since the route didn’t magically appear as I had hoped, it was once again up to logic. Figuring out where I needed to be was proving to be harder then I thought and called for all my powers of deduction. Again, I mentally retraced our steps and replayed our conversations as you would when trying to locate lost items, such as keys, wallets, ect. I do that quite frequently, so I am very adept with this sort of thing!
“Look for land marks. Row house, row house, pub, row house, shop, shop, shop, row house pub…… CHURCH! There is a church.” Paul lives down the street from a church! I remember having a good laugh when Paul pointed it out.
“And this is the Ye ‘ol church of England I attend each Sunday like a good little boy”
“What? You go to church every Sunday? I don’t even go to church! You are full of surprises. OR full of it!”
“HAHAHA! No Darling! You know me better then that! I haven’t been to church for ages. I am actually surprised that I haven’t been struck down by lightening yet. You know living so close to a church while living in my heathen ways and such!”
It took me a few moments to track down the station, but I did, and then went to work on finding my way home.
“Okay, so Paul lives by a church. There is a start. Now which direction would said church be? Okay, there is a school, and another one… What are the chances of the church even being on the map? OOOHH there it is. Oh YEAH, that’s the street that I am looking for. How did I EVER forget St. Sinswithins St??? You know being such a common name and all. Okay, now to just trace the route backwards to the station and…. Son OF A! You have got to be KIDDING ME! “
I HAD to laugh and shake my head when I figured out that Beacon St was, after all, the street that would have solved all my problems in the first place!
“See it IS funny” God laughed down at me.
At this point I didn’t care about my sore feet. I wanted to get home so bad that I took of running. I ran all the way home… well not all quite all the way home. I did have to stop at the top the hill for a moment! When I finally reached the flat, I nearly dropped to my knees, to kiss the front step. I stomped up the stairs, opened the door, and dropped into a puddle on the living room floor.
“DARLING, I was getting worried about you. What happened?”
One look at Paul and I burst into tears. “I GOT LOST,” I wailed. “I have been wondering around outside ALL by myself for HOURS…. Okay well maybe not hours. Maybe only 45 minutes, but it felt like a really long time.” Through my sobs, I continued to regal Paul with my recent adventure. He gave me a hug and told me he was glad that I didn’t get beaten up, robbed, and left for dead. He then handed me a glass of Pinot Gregio – his cure all for everything – and we laughed and laughed and laughed!
So far today has been a very ground day. It is a gorgeous morning, a nice treat from the cold. Fridays we have off from our 6 am movement practice, so we can sleep in, take a brake, whatever you need. Sleeping in, however, is not an option for me! Not that I don’t want to, I just can’t. Once my body gets into a routine I am up whether I set an alarm or not! It was nice NOT to have to get out of bed though! After spending half an hour day dreaming snuggled up in my “cacoon” of sleeping bags, I decided to do some yoga flow. It was SO nice to get back to that practice. I didn’t realize that I had missed it that much. Yvonne, one of the ladies here with me, joined in and we flowed till breakfast.
Friday’s are my day to do laundry. I was swept off to a beautiful countryside somewhere in Tuscany, as I was hanging my wet cloths on the line to dry . Aaahh, the dolce vita! I find housework and practical things very grounding! The lifestyle out here is very different, and it is easy to lose touch with reality. I can’t believe that I am about to say this, but I am actually missing not making my own meals!
I just got down from Being up in my Willow tree for Tree Time. Being up in the willow tree is my favorite time of the day. I have so much clarity up there, like I can think properly. Somehow lounging in the branches always brings me back to solid ground. Quite ironic that I climb up 20 feet to get grounded!
I had a rather humurous ehpiny today, while up in the Willow. I AM a Drama Queen! I think that I may have blown up everything that I am dealing with here just a teeny tiny eency weeny little bit! And by My Have I actually mean Know Have! I laughed histarically up in my tree when I realized the root of all useless suffering. It is ALL in your head! We get to CHOOSE how we deal with thing, our attitudes, OUR REALITIES!
My name is Jaime, and I am an unintentional Drama Queen. I have no idea why I blow things up so much, and am so hard on myself, like the world is going to end. News flash – the world is NOT going to end because you screwed up a time or two. Or someone tells your wrong, or that you can’t do something. Jeeze! I guess I shouldn’t be too shocked. My past is littered with huge overreactions!
For example, my father wrecked my life at the age of 3. This story is actually quite funny. One afternoon I come storming into the house, tears streaming down my face, doors slamming in my wake, and threw myself onto my bed. My mother was close at my heels, wondering what in mercival heaven could cause her peaceful abode to be flooded by a tempermental toddler.
“What’s wrong honey?” she asked me in her soothing, motherly voice, concern painted all over her face.
I threw my arm over my eyes and remarked, “Daddy wrecked my life” and turn to cry into my pillow.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked
“NO” I wailed.
My mother was determined to get to the bottom of this. What had happened that would have caused the world of her precious little princess’s life to be ruined?
My mother found my father outside with my older brother.
“What did you do to our Daughter? Apparently her life is ruined”
My father shrugged. “I don’t know. I told her she couldn’t play in the sandbox while Mark and I fix the swing set and she stomped off”
You see it’s just in my nature! Something I am working on that’s for sure, but as they say’ “it’s part of the process, and perfect as it is” Even thought I am very relieved I was able to get out of my whoe-is-me mentality, get out of my head and laugh it off, which by the way is essential, I must not forget the importance of what I was actually dealing with. It is essential to not loose the lesson, otherwise that suffering, which is part of this refinement process called life, was in actually fact useless suffering. Some “suffering” is useful in our lives. It is through these hard processes that we are taught essential lessons, that build character and encourage us to grow. It is when we stay in that place and become the victim that we put ourselves through useless suffering. (BUT in actual fact, it is not, because every lesson is sacred, and it is perfect as it is. That being said – for you to be the radient being you are, there will come a time when you have to step back and laugh at yourself for being so silly. Hopefully that is sooner rather than later)
So here is the wisdom of the willow tree thus far:
· Trust in yourself, in others, and in the journey. Everything is going to workout, so CHOOSE to be happy.
· Build yourself a stable foundation to stand on, allowing you to stand in your power with the courage to be yourself.
· Be flexible. Live your life from moment to moment. When the winds of change are blowing, go with the flow. Everything is gonna be alright.
· Stop giving yourself such a hard time. It’s not worth suffering over.
· No one is expecting you to be perfect. Give yourself permission to be human, make mistakes, learn from them, have a good laugh, and then move on.
· You don’t have to go it alone. Let people help you along the way.
· Your world isn’t ending. Something new is beginning every moment, so get out of your own way and enjoy it!
A note to myself:
Stop running towards the finish line, the only thing that awaits you there is the end! The end comes when the journey is finished. When your done learning, your done living. JUST in case you’ve forgotten, you’ve only just begun! Stay a while – smell the roses, the water is fine, and all those other silly sayings. Oh ya, and I love you just the way you are!
I find that I have been asking myself the question, “What am I doing here?” quite frequently. Really, what am I doing here? I have come to the conclusion that I don’t know! I DON’T KNOW! Up until now I have rarely been okay with this answer. Right now, not only is this an acceptable answer for me, it is also the best one. My intention for being here was to learn EVERYTHING so that I could run a highly successful retreat centre. A pretty unrealistic goal for myself at this present moment! Not because I can’t do it. I could do it if I really wanted to, but is that something I really want to be doing at 23? The answer… no, eventually YES. In this present moment, right now, I want to experience the joys of being young, and crazy! Not run a centre. I think I forgot that I was 23 years old and that I don’t need to have all the answers right now. I don’t think we ever have all the answers, anyways. Don’t get me wrong, I love to figure things out. I love a good puzzle. However, you can’t define your life as a puzzle if you want to live in the present moment, or rather, if you want to live free.
I also discovered that it is okay to be “nothing”. This is a somewhat difficult concept for me. I have always been able to define myself as “something”. I don’t really know what it feels like to be “nothing”. For most people, myself included, it is scary to let go of the illusion of control we desperately cling to. I put so much pressure on myself of WHAT I am suppose to do, that I got trapped planning my whole life, instead of just LIVING it! Again, don’t need all the answers. This isn’t a test. No one is going stick a grade to my life, or my “life plans”.
Life is a journey. How many times have you heard that right? But it is, plain and simple. Not every day is going to be peaches and cream. How could it be? Would you really want it to be? Diversity is the spice of life, right? Another overused saying that rings true to the core. Every situation we encounter in life is an opportunity for each of us to grow, and learn. Life is full of lessons – “good” “bad” who cares? Take the lesson and move on to the next one!
It is true, however that there is more productive ways tackle challenges than others, which all stem from your ability to know yourself. It’s about being honest with yourself about who you really are AND being stable in that place. However, stability doesn’t mean being rigid.
Take the willow tree for example. I have been spending a fair bit of time in a 20-foot willow tree since being here. Nature has many lessons to teach us if we open our eyes to them. The willow tree teaches us the art of fluid stability. The roots of this mighty tree run deep, keeping it grounded, sturdy in its core. Yet it is flexible. The willow has the ability to sway, and flow with whatever situation life throws its way.
I experienced this first hand one particularly windy afternoon. While I was sitting up in the tree, nestled in my perch, the willow tree was literally rocking from side-to-side. (When I got back to the ground I actually felt like I had just gotten off of a boat!) This didn’t frighten me one bit. I probably should have been thinking, “hhhuuummm, maybe this is a little dangerous”, however all that I could think about was, “So this is what they mean by trusting the process.” There will be heavy “winds” in life, you know the ones that shake you to the core attempting to blow you over. This is no reason to jump out of the tree! If you come from a place of fluid stability you can face anything life blows your way! You can be FREE, all you have to do is choose your attitude.
The follow is something I wrote down my first couple of days here. I brought the book Eat, Pray, Love with me and while looking for another quote in the book this one kept coming back to me. The third time the book feel open to this page, I figured that maybe this was something I needed to read. I rewrote it slightly so that it made more sense to me.
Enjoy -
Instructions for Freedom:
1) Life’s metaphors are God’s instructions
2) There is nothing between you and the infinite. Realize this & Let go
3) Each time the sun sets, it is a time for something that was beautiful to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now let go
4) Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being here is God’s response.
5) Open up your heart to let the sun shine in. Let your heart overflow with the golden light encouraging new things to grow. Positive things. Loving things. All sorts of wonderful things!
6) With all your heart ask for grace & then Let Go.
7) Forgive anyone who has ever hurt you – including yourself & then Let Go.
8) Let your intension be freedom from useless suffering & then Let Go.
9) Surrender to the rhythms and cycles of life. Everything has a season.
10) There is a difference between living life while going through the motions and living life while experiencing the motions. Chose to be ALIVE in every moment.
11) When the past has passed from you at last, LET GO. Then begin the rest of your life with great JOY.
12) Oh ya, and Let Go!
Tuesday, May 26
Last night the whole centre ventured the 30 minutes into London to hear Shantree speak about forest gardening. Coming back was a very different feeling for me. We arrived home about 10 O’clock that evening. It felt weird being on the highway with the business of the world wizzing by. Everything is so simple and scerene on the “ranch” that it is easy to forget that a world of chaos exists all around us. I was surprised at the feelings that emerged as we pulled into the drive – comfort and happiness resonated in my heart. It felt like coming “home”. I was able to be at peace with my meantime home in this moment in time. A drastic change to my thoughts of running away only a week prior! I was actually excited to snuggle up in my sleeping bag out in my big red tent!
Earlier that day, Shantree had decided to ride with us on our way into London. I wasted no opportunities to pick his brain, and indulge my curiosity. The talk that we had about our constitutions was fresh in my mind, and I was eager to put an action plan in motion. I felt a new sense of energy since it became clear to me where I need to go in order to bring my body back into balance. The trick is how do I get there? There are many “travel agents” that can help us plan our routes down this path of life. Shantree understands the higways systems very well, so I am always glad for his advice. The most fascinating thing I learnt from our conversation, however, was not which herbs, foods, or lifestyle improvements that could act as my highways to balance.
The most fascinating thing I learnt while chatting together had nothing to do with the answers he gave me. It was the realization that I already HAD all the answers to my questions the ENTIRE TIME! My body has been pulling me towards the solutions to the questions I was asking. This is very exciting to me to know that I am not a factury defect. That I possess the ability to tend to my body’s ever changing needs. Now, the somewhat frusterating thing is that I didn’t 100% trust where these little urges were coming from. My body was telling me to eat every food that Shantree rattled off the top of his head, and impliment, supplement certain things into my lifestyle. EXCITING – I know what I need. FRUSTERATING – I not trusting that I know what I need. Why is this? Because I was getting in my own way, that’s why! I thought that my mind, and other people knew better then my body. Which, I am finding out, is never the case. The body never lies.
A lot of the foods that I was craving are more suited for Vattas, and ones Pittas should, for the most part, steer clear of. (Helpful reminder: I am a dominent Pitta, with a Vatta imbalanace) This lead me to think, “No body, that is not what we need. That is Vatta food. We are a Pitta, remember?” OKAY, now here is the amazing part. When you have an imbalance of one of the doshas in your body, you first need to balance out the imbalanced dosha, while also taking into consideration your constitution. When this is achieved you then return to your Dosha specific diet. Learning that was like turning on the light switch – BING! “So, I really DID know what I need – Holy Poop, we all know what we need. We just need to listen and TRUST! Why is it that you don’t know that you know what you know until you know it, you know? And why does it seem like the hardest questions have the simplest answers? Oh the joys of being human!
Here are some guidelines for being Human: (Adapted from Rob Bishop)
1) You will receive a body. It will be yours for your entire life. You may love it, or hate it. The choice is yours.
2) There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is the process of trial, error and experimentation. “Failed” experiments are as much a part of the process as “successful” ones.
3) You will learn lessons. Each one of us is enrolled in the informal, full-time, never ending School of Life. Everyday you are given the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons, or decide that they are irrelevant and stupid. Again the choice is yours.
4) A lesson is repeated until it is learnt. A lesson will present itself in many forms until you have learnt it. Once you have learned it, you can then go onto the next one.
5) The process of learning lessons doesn’t stop. Every part of life contains lessons. As a general rule of thumb – if you are breathing, you are living, and if you are living then there are lessons to be learnt.
6) Being “There” is no better to being “Here”. When your “There” becomes your “Here”, you will simply obtain another “There” that will again, look better than “Here”
7) Other People are simply mirrors of what you see in yourself. You cannot Love, or Hate something about another person, unless it reflects something that you Love or Hate in yourself.
8) What you make of your life is up to YOU. You have all the tools and resources that you will ever need. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
9) All the answers to all Life’s questions, your questions, are inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.
10)You will either choose to forget this, or you will choose to remember it.
11)IF you choose to remember, you will know that with forgiveness, love, laughter AND TRUST, you will embrace ALL that is yours, TAKE your place as a guide and LIVE a life in absolute abundance, love and ADVENTURE.
Peace, Love and Laughter y’all!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
